I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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