My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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