I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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