So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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