Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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