He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
