Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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