Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
