I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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