Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
