i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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