Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
