I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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