I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
