the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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