i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
