I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
