Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I supernannyed him into submission
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
