I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
