fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
