I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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