i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My breath smells like gin and sadness
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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