The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
false alarm, still single
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
