my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
