I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
