How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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