I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
