We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
