the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
