Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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