There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
