1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
