the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
