I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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