On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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