Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
