I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
