I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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