Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
i've created a new STD.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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