it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
