you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
