I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
