Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
