I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
