What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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