Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
