Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
