C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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