Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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