Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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