So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
