I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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