also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I AM VODKA MAN
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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