I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
