PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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