Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
