My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
