Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
