Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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