Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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