By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
